Zack Pwns Everything: Drabble Series
by ohxasphyxiationx
Summary: Zack's use of common, everyday items is far from normal. A series of drabbles based off of several random prompts.


**Warnings: **Mentions of MPREG, implied sexual relationships, references to bondage, and innuendo. I can never help myself.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own this, and you know it. No copyright infringement intended. I make no profit from the publication of this piece.

**Author's Note: **I can be quoted as once saying, "Give me Zack and any random object and I can write it." The drabble that follows was more or less written on the spot, until I had more time to tweak it to be slightly more coherent. This is the result of me opening my big fat mouth. Here is the first installation; five prompts, five drabbles. Enjoy!

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**Prompt #1: Balloon.**

It was the month of August, three years after Meteorfall. Things on the planet had seemed to calm down, at least for the time being, and the days passed without incident. Things seemed normal for the most part; the weather was hot and humid, and Cloud was spending the afternoon helping Tifa set up the 7th Heaven. Fans whirred overhead as the pair worked efficiently, wiping down tables in the bar. They were disturbed, however, by the sound of the front door swinging open loudly.

A dark figure hung in the doorway for a moment, as if it were contemplating its next step. With a shrug, it took a few steps forward into the light, revealing features Cloud recognized all too well.

Spiky black hair fell over bright blue eyes; pouty lips were upturned in a cheeky grin that Cloud could only define as Zack's. Two things were very wrong, however.

One: Cloud had been witness to Zack's death nearly five years ago.

Two: Zack's stomach should NOT have been that round and bulging.

Cloud looked back at Tifa, only to find she too was in shock, her eyes as wide as saucers. At the very least, her reaction only proved that Cloud wasn't seeing ghosts this time. Unsurprisingly, that fact did little to comfort Cloud as he looked directly into the very bright eyes of his formerly deceased friend.

"Zack?" Cloud questioned, his voice barely above a whisper in the fear that this could all be a dream.

"Cloud," Zack's tone was gravely serious as he took a step forward. "I'm so glad I found you. We have a lot to talk about. I have something important to tell you."

Cloud's eyes followed the path of Zack's hand, which moved to rest firmly on his protruding stomach. Well, that certainly hadn't been there before.

"Zack," Cloud ventured carefully. "What's going on? What… how did you… why are you?"

"Don't you remember that night after our date in Junon? The night I let you have your _wicked_ way with me?"

Cloud blushed, although he couldn't quite remember the event Zack spoke of. He remembered their date in Junon, but what had happened after was a bit fuzzy considering they were both quite drunk, and Cloud still struggled from time to time with his memories. Even still, for Zack to appear five years later like _that- _Cloud couldn't bring himself to utter the dreaded 'P' word- hardly made any kind of sense. On the other hand, Cloud was testament to Hojo's twisted mind. The scientist had certainly done stranger things. Still…

"Uh, not really. It was kind of a long time ago," Cloud admitted sadly. Heart beating rapidly in his chest, Cloud was somehow able to lift his hand and point at Zack's stomach, despite its trembling.

"This?" Zack pointed at the prominent bulge under his shirt, before reaching for the hem. His fingers traveled underneath that material where Cloud could no longer see them. Instead, he heard a loud squeaking, followed by a glimpse of yellow.

"Oh, that was nothing! Just a balloon! Happy birthday, Cloud!"

Cloud had plenty of questions. How had his friend reappeared after being dead for five years? How had he managed to remember his birthday? How had he known where to find him?

Those questions could wait, however, until Cloud got at least one good punch in. He would teach his mischievous friend to stop pulling such awful pranks on him.

Spotting the dark expression on Cloud's face, Zack backed up and raised his hands in surrender.

"Aw, c'mon Spike! You know I would never let you top!"

Cloud couldn't help but grin. He'd be teaching Zack about bottoming later that night.

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**Prompt #2: Sandwich.**

It had been a long and arduous training session, and the first thing Cloud noticed was the telltale rumbling and grumbling of his hungry stomach. He hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast, and it was well after noon by the time he and Zack had finished their training. Although Cloud had planned to subtly bring up the subject of lunch. His plans were foiled however by the next loud grumble of his stomach, having finally garnered the attention of the dark-haired First.

"Hungry Spike?" The older teen teased lightheartedly, still managed to draw and embarrassed blush from Cloud.

"Uh, yeah," The small blonde said with an embarrassed chuckle in his best attempt to hide his complete and utter mortification. "I was hoping we could go pick up some lunch."

"No need," Zack chirped with a wave of dismissal. "Come over to my place. I'm a pretty good cook, if I do say so myself."

Cloud knew Zack had a tendency to brag, but in Cloud's eyes, the First was superior to Cloud in nearly every way. He truly found it hard to believe that he could be _bad_ at anything. Besides, all that mattered was that Zack had invited him over.

To his apartment.

Alone.

To feed him, pamper him, and confess his undying love to him. He would whisk Cloud away, marry him, and spoil him forever. Perhaps Zack could start by buying Cloud a lovely villa in Costa Del Sol. He had read all the pamphlets and it seemed to be a good investment, as long as—

Cloud knew he was getting ahead of himself and did his best to stop the ramblings of his mind as they arrived at Zack's quarters. He sat still through his eager anticipation as he heard Zack tinkering in the kitchen quite loudly. When Zack reappeared with a plate in his hand, Cloud's hunger returned with a vengeance and his mouth began to water.

When Zack dropped the plate in front of Cloud, the hungry blond couldn't help but do a double-take.

"Zack? What is that?"

"It's a sandwich!" Zack said proudly, gesturing towards himself triumphantly. "I am the master of sandwiches!"

It was just a plain old ham and cheese sandwich, but Cloud figured the heart shaped bread made it the best sandwich Cloud had ever tasted.

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**Prompt #3: iPod.**

"Drop and give me fifty."

"_Angeallll_," the young SOLDIER whined. He batted his lashes and pulled his perfected puppy pout. Although it usually worked on his Commanding Officer, this time Zack was having no such luck. With a pitiful sigh he dropped down and began doing pushups.

One, two, three pushups later, and Zack had resorted back to whining.

"C'mon Angeal! I didn't really do anything wrong," Zack complained loudly, hardly breaking a sweat as he continued his pushups.

"You really don't think so?" Angeal asked incredulously. He oftentimes wondered what really went on in his student's mind. The absurdity of what had just occurred could not have possibly been normal in Zack's mind, could it?

"Uhh," the dark-haired teen trailed off, hoping to think of a response that would please Angeal. It seemed that his actions were a bit harder to explain than he had anticipated.

"In battle simulation," Angeal began his lecture in a slow, serious tone. "You _cannot_ serenade a behemoth while singing '_Living on a prayer.'"_

"Come on Angeal, that song's a classic!" Zack tried reasoning, but failed when Angeal looked at him firmly.

"What excuse do you have then," Angeal started, _trying_ to keep the humor out of his voice. "For slow dancing with a Wutai renegade?"

"'_I will always love you' _was playing!" Zack whined. "That song always brings out my softer side."

Angeal couldn't help himself; he had to laugh at Zack's antics. If he didn't, he was sure he would go insane. Managing to control his laughter, Angeal gave Zack what he hoped was a serious stare.

"No more iPod's in training. Are we clear, Puppy?"

Zack bounded up from pushup position and pounced on Angeal, hugging him tightly.

"You got it, Angeal!" Zack exclaimed happily. "Now, let's go dancing!"

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**Prompt #4: Coffee.**

Angeal warily eyed his student, who was practically vibrating in his seat. His entire body hummed; a noticeable, insistent buzz. Zack's eyes were wide open, darting around the room as if he had never seen it before. It would be pointless to say that this was not a good sign.

"Is something the matter, Zack?" Angeal wasn't sure why he had bothered to ask; it was obvious that something was awry. Still, perhaps a direct answer would be best.

"I came in early today, and I was hungry, so I went to the cafeteria! And Tseng was there in the corner looking all serious and stuff, right? So I went over to him and I was like, 'Heyyyy Tseng wassup?' and he was like, 'I'm just having a cup of coffee!' so I was like, 'Oh!'" Zack's mouth was moving rapidly, words spewing out at an unbelievable speed. He continued on, obviously not done with his rant. "So I was like, 'What's that?' and he was like 'Here!' so he gave me some and it was really, really good. Like realllllyyyy good."

Angeal continued to stare at Zack, contemplating his next move. He carefully reached for the phone on his desk, mindful not to make any sudden movements before dialing an operator.

"Department of administrative research, please?" Angeal remained polite despite his panic, drumming his fingers against his desk simply to keep himself grounded. If he didn't control himself, he might find himself fleeing the room in an attempt to save himself. That would be wrong of him, and he knew it. He was Zack's teacher; he had volunteered to take the boy under his wing, and as such, could not abandon him right now. "I need to speak to Tseng."

The phone rang for a few moments, the sound drilling into Angeal's head as he lost the battle against the headache he _knew _was coming, before the man picked up, his low, subdued voice soothing to Angeal's frayed nerves.

"What can I help you with, Angeal?"

"I need some information," Angeal whispered hurriedly, eying Zack. The young man was currently using a pair of spare pens as drumsticks, rocking out loudly against Angeal's desk. "Can you give me some specifics on the beverage you gave Zack this morning?"

"Double roasted, expensive Wutain brand. Black, six sugars," the man replied, voice so serious it sounded as though he were giving parameters for a mission rather than information on a cup of coffee. "I'm sorry Angeal. I had no idea."

"It's fine," Angeal grumbled; this was _not_ fine and he certainly had a bone to pick with Tseng when he got this sorted out. "I'll be speaking to you."

Hanging up the phone, Angeal stood slowly, gesturing for Zack to follow.

"Where are we going, Angeal? Huh? Where are we going?! To get more coffee? I think I could use a cup of coffee right now! How about you?" Zack was bouncing with every step, dipping and swerving around, in Angeal's face at every turn.

"We're going to the training room."

"What for?" Zack looked slightly disappointed, but instantly perked up. Training was always a good thing for the wannabe-hero.

"There's a new training program. It was created strictly for use by the General. But I think you'll be able to handle it," Angeal said with a mischievous smirk, trying not to feel _too_ guilty about what he was about to do.

Twenty minutes later, Zack was still running the course, just as energetic as ever.

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**Prompt #5: Puppy.**

Down on all fours, his butt wiggling back and forth, Zack Fair eyed his companion, trying his best not to look over-eager or excited. Brown eyes gazed back at him apprehensively, darting around the room. Zack smiled, trying to offer some comfort to the frightened little thing before reaching forward slowly.

Letting out a frightened yelp his partner scampered away, dashing out of the door and into the hallway. Cursing, Zack stood up and began chasing after his friend.

"Hey! Wait up!" He shouted as he began running down the hall, past wide-eyed, curious bystanders. He continued to dash down the hall, trying his best not to bump into anyone in his pursuit. He stopped dead in his tracks however upon seeing Angeal and his partner waiting at the end of the hallway, his teacher tapping his foot in impatience.

"Zack," Angeal said slowly, and Zack couldn't help but wince. This did not sound like it was going to end well. "What is he doing here?"

Zack smiled sheepishly.

"Uhm, I scared him. So he ran away," Zack supplied, smiling slightly in embarrassment. It hadn't been _quite_ his fault. How was he supposed to know that he would freak out at the sight of leather?

Angeal eyed him for a moment before letting his hands fall to his sides in surrender, eying Zack.

"Take him home. I better not see this happening again," Angeal said, rubbing his temples in exasperation.

"Sure thing!" Zack gave a lazy salute before grabbing his playmate. "Come on, Kimbo. Let's go home."

The small brown dog wagged his tail happily, squirming excitedly in Zack's embrace. Making his way back to his apartment, Zack smiled. From now on, he'd have to be more careful.

After all, not everyone liked wearing leashes. Dogs included.

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**Reviews welcomed and much appreciated. Feel free to leave prompts as well! :]**


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